Just because her youth is fading, doesn't mean she's not worth dating...

So the idea behind this was sort of "the trials and tribulations of dating as a single mom". Being single again after 5 years of marriage is strange and has been a little difficult to adjust to. Not that I'm unhappy about it, I don't want give you that impression. In fact most days I'm so relieved I feel like shouting joy from the mountaintops. While it was 5 years of constant companionship you could also call it 5 years of oppression. I know people who know me think I'm so assertive and everything and find it so hard to believe that I could be so controlled. I don't know how to explain it. It was a gradual process and involved my determination to do the best for my children. It involved a lot of lying and using my weaknesses against me. In relationships I avoid conflict. I am a lover not a fighter. I hate to blame how I was raised for this dysfunction because I really believe once you are an adult you are responsible for your actions and can't blame your childhood or parents for your behaviour, but all around me are marriages where women act like their happiness doesn't matter, as long as their husband is happy. This was true of my parent's marriage and still is true today of many of my friends' marriages. And that is so far from what I was looking for, from what I expected of my marriage but I guess it is a hard tradition to shake. Why is it too much to ask for a partner that is equally committed to making our relationship work, to making it good, instead of just convenient. Why am I always feeling so defensive about this? I do know the answer to that one: because since I started the divorce process I've learned that, at least here in the Midwest, it is more acceptable to cheat on your wife that it is for a wife to leave her husband. No matter what he's done. And that sucks because this has not been easy and I feel bad enough as it is. But we can talk more about that later...
I saw a counselor a few times last winter after I filed for divorce. I did it mostly because people kept telling me I should and I was feeling very angry. I thought I was handling the circumstances very well though and so did she. She actually said to me 'so what are you doing here, you seem to have everything together'. So I have professional confirmation of my emotional health if any one's asking! One thing I was concerned about was ever ending up in that kind of situation or relationship again. At the time I was definitely not ready to start dating again, but knew the time would probably come. Apparently I am not the best judge of character when it comes to the men I date (the understatement of the year). She suggested I write down a list of what I am looking for and what my "deal-breakers" are so that I would have it ready when I was. Of course I am lazy and busy and many other excuses so I haven't actually written anything down but I have thought about it a lot and have a pretty good mental list going. Now that I really have started dating again I should probably write it down, or type it down as the case may be, so maybe that will be another post.
I knew I was ready to start dating when... well, now I can't remember what it was exactly but I remember telling someone "and that's when I knew I was ready to start dating again", so there was something at one point. So then the only problem was finding someone. I knew work was out, I work with 3 married people and most of the other employees at the hospital are women. Most of my friends are married and therefore not hanging out with single guys they could set me up with. And I'm not about to start hanging out in bars by myself! I have at least two friends who met their husbands on Match.com and online dating seems to be the thing to do now if you are single and so after one more lonely weekend when the kids were with their father and I had nothing social to do, I signed up...