I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby, When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

Blog? What blog? I can't believe it's been almost a whole month. Sorry, I've been so freaking busy with the divorce, holidays, new job, kids, etc. and then I was sick too... but my goal for today is to finish a post. I have about 10 different ones that I've started over the last month but I just can't let them go until I think they are good enough and it takes so much time to get to that point, time I just haven't had... I still haven't mailed out all my Christmas presents (sorry Mom!), hopefully I'll get that done on Monday. And I really need to write up some thank-yous for all the presents the girls received and change my name in a hundred different places and clean up the house... Another problem is all the horrible things I want to say, this was so much easier when no one read this, now there are things I want to say but don't dare to anymore. Tonight however I'm just going to suck it up and lay it all out here. Well, as much as we have time for anyway...

*warning: major, probably totally irrational, completely emotional venting ahead*

So can anyone tell me how I'm supposed to know what a healthy relationship is if I've never, ever seen one? Has anyone ever seen one? I am just a big mess tonight so this probably isn't such a good idea. I never know if I'm being too paranoid or maybe just too tolerant. I don't know what to think about the things I'm thinking. I'm sad, that I know. Like I mentioned, I was sick again recently and this reminds me of when I was sick last time and how things have changed but yet things are still so much the same. Like the last time it made me oh so aware of being alone. And I don't think that should be OK. What do you think? What I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that what I really wanted out of dating was someone I could call and lean on when I had a bad day and I had a bad day and I was still alone and I'm wondering if the reason is because the relationship is bad, if I'm expecting too much too soon or if I'm just too afraid to ask for what I need? Or am I just making too much out of one bad day? Or am I, like pretty much every single time before, not making enough out of a bad day? Ah, like I said, a big mess...

Now for some good news...
I'm finally divorced!! Yay!!! and back to my maiden name. It didn't quite go the way I wanted it to; after stressing to the GAL several times that xh sees custody as more of his privilege than his responsibility, our custody agreement is still pretty vague. I'm sure this will continue to cause me problems and stress but I am so tired of dealing with it I just wanted it to be over. There was no way in hell I was going to wait any longer to get that damn marriage over with. He did provide us with a recommendation that hopefully xh will follow since we paid over six hundred dollars for it, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

More not so good news... I got an email yesterday from xh that he can't pay his half of the house payment anymore. "I can't pay if I don't have the money" he says. Funny. This makes me so angry because you see it is all his fault that we are in this mess in the first place. I certainly never would have bought a house with the guy if I had known he was cheating on me. And he knew he was cheating on me when we bought that house. And he knew I would leave him if he cheated on me. And he knew there was no way in hell he could afford that house on his salary. And yet he still led me to believe that it was a grand idea to buy a big house in Sheboygan. Therefore it seems fair to me that he should be the one completely responsible for the expenses of the stupid house that will not sell. Yet for some reason he doesn't think the house should be his problem. Also I never would have left Sheboygan until the house sold if it hadn't been so hard on the girls to be without their father. How much of this story do you already know? I've only been complaining about it forever. I told him that from the beginning, that I wasn't going to move back to ND until the house sold and the divorce was final. I did not want to be 550 miles away from a house I was trying to sell and there was no way I could afford to pay the house payment and pay for another place to live in ND. I told him all this over and over and over again every time he called and tried to bully me into moving all through February, March, April and May. Then he moved anyway and only saw the girls every two weeks and it was so hard on them , especially Sylvia. Lucky for me my step-dad bought a house in Fargo big enough for all of us just in time for us to move in with him. And I found a job in Fargo. It seemed like everything was falling in place and I really thought the house would sell just in time too. Nope. Now, it seems like I might be stuck with a house in Wisconsin for the rest of my life. I must have been a serial killer in a former life, no way do I deserve this crap for the things I've done in this one...

Oh, you really missed my whining, didn't you? ;) At least I feel better... well, a little better...