And Lord I'm sick and Lord I'm tired of love...

Had a real bad patch there, sorry... I didn't realize how much I had checked out until I started to try to catch up. I got a lot done the last few days, there's lots more to do but at least I seem to have the mental energy to start doing it. So many things went wrong all at once. I think I mentioned that I'm having trouble at my job too. It's almost 1 AM and I have to work tomorrow so I should really get in bed but there's a few things I want to get out...
I feel like I'm back to feeling joy and relief at my freedom, my second chance, instead of shock, frustration and despair at what he gets away with and the horrible things he does. Dwelling on it gets me nowhere. It's not like if I protest for 3 more months my sister will finally come around and be on my side again. (Again?!? What I probably mean is 'for the first time in my life'!) I can't cry 832 more tears and get my best friend back. I just need to let go and move on let go and move on let go and move on... and most days I do, it just catches up to me every once and awhile. My immune system seems to be taking a little siesta during this time of stress so I've been sick a lot more often lately. My ulcer has come back and it hurts like one bad SOB some days. My ex husband has stopped paying his half of the house payment. So there goes my excellent credit. I probably won't be able to buy another house for 10 years now. But at least I'm not in contempt of court! I hope they put him in jail... What is he thinking? Oh I also found out that he is refusing to sign the form to release his Roth IRA to me. Another court order he is not obeying! I wonder if his lawyer tries to explain things to him and he just doesn't get it or if his lawyer is so bad that he doesn't explain things to him at all. I'm pretty sure it's the former. He also thinks he can take me back to court to change our physical placement order to 50/50 so that he can get child support even though it's set the way it is because we had a guardian ad litem for the girls. Even though it was just ordered that way in December. Even though I work 30 hours a week and he works closer to 50. He is totally obsessed with getting child support, and he makes sure to remind me every time we "talk". Right now all I have to do is say the word to my lawyer and he will have to pay me. His obsession makes me want to do that just to hit him where it hurts. Just to show him how wrong his ideas are. In the meantime he admits that the most recent schedule that he made (I let him make all the schedules and I always have, it's so much easier than trying to 'negotiate' with him) is not working for the girls yet he won't change it. Nice, what a great father. Shared physical placement is for people who can get along at least a little bit. For people who can negotiate, compromise, work together to find the best solution for the kids. I finally first realized that he had never compromised with me on what he wanted when we were talking about dividing up the furniture when he moved out. He was completely shocked when I told him the dining room set we bought wasn't what I would've bought on my own but the one we could 'agree' on. He couldn't believe that I would settle for something that wasn't exactly what I wanted, because he never would. That really opened my eyes to our relationship and it's reality versus my perception of it. Now our final divorce order is not exactly what he wanted so he thinks he should be able to change it. Even though he sat in court and said he agreed to it just a few short months ago. I'm sure he did it on the advice of his lawyer. Good advice in this case, but he doesn't seem to think it meant anything. For him it wasn't over on December 17th because he didn't get his way, and damn it he always gets his way. I can't believe I married such a bully. I can't believe he won't just leave me alone and go on with his life. I can't believe he is so obsessed with the money I could make that he doesn't seem to give a damn that I'm the mother of his children. I am really kicking myself for agreeing to such a vague placement order. I wish it was lined out down to the minute. It would be inconvenient but at least I wouldn't have him trying to use the girls to control me and hurt me more. You wouldn't believe what happened last week. It almost involved a call to the authorities.
Oh yeah, so back to the 'love' part. Well, maybe not. I don't know what to say. I am in love but I wonder if I will ever be able to really trust someone again. I'm pretty good at faking it but that's not very fair, is it? The stupid hormones don't help. Seriously, I think I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life if not for them. Why is it that my biological clock started ticking at 22 while my sister is 32 and still doesn't care if she ever has kids?
Lately I've been really jealous of families. I know not everyone is as happy as they pretend to be, but still, why did it have to be such an unachievable goal for me? Last week I happened to notice this man was wearing a wedding ring and it brought tears to my eyes. I walk into Sylvia's school and see the Christmas card family pictures of the other students and get a little depressed. I think one of the most frustrating things is that I feel like I don't deserve this. I was a good wife. I always treated him with love and respect. I never, ever would have betrayed him in any way. It's funny that he was the jealous one and so controlling when I never would have done anything wrong. Other couples have the bickering, they treat each other worse than strangers at Wal-mart but I always tried so hard to not be like that. Now I know I should have stood up for myself at lot more but don't I get any credit for how hard I worked, how hard I tried? Any good karma at all for all the crap and emotional abuse I put up with? See this is the whining I need to avoid because it does no good to anyone. And now that I got this all out I will be better. But all this does make me question my new relationship. How do I not get taken advantage of without turning our relationship into some kind of competition? Because I hate that type of relationship, there shouldn't be a score card when it comes to love. We seem to be at opposite ends of the generosity spectrum. We were raised very differently in that department and the difference in our attitudes bothers me sometimes.
Hmmm, this is probably more than enough for now... Once again, I will try to be better about blogging, I think it would be good for me, but no guarantees!