She's everything that you've been hoping for...

As your road narrows, so mine grows wider...

2009-07-05T09:17:00.003-05:00

The girls and I moved on Tuesday. Now we are trying to unpack and get organized in our new house. We are renting a little house not too far from where we were living before. So far we all really like it, the girls have their own rooms, there's a big fenced-in backyard and it's only about a 5 minute walk to Sylvia's school, Grandpa's house and a big park. Unfortunately, the people who lived here before were very messy and had a dog with long black hair so I have been spending hours every day cleaning and still have a ways to go.
I went down to part time a little over a month ago and it has been wonderful to have so much time to hang out with the girls. We aren't always rushing around trying to fit everything in. We are all so much happier and relaxed.
Of course going part time means less money! I'm paying less for daycare so that helps but we have made a few "adjustments" to our lifestyle. I've been following Dave Ramsey's plan -"The Total Money Makeover" for a while now. If you haven't read this book I very strongly recommend it! I'm thinking about taking the classes "Financial Peace University" too, I think I would really enjoy it, but it's so hard to fit something like that into my schedule. I am still on baby step 2 and will be for a while yet but I have been able to pay off so much in the last year it feels great!

Everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my head...

2009-04-08T05:00:00.002-05:00

Thought I would post something before a whole year went by... Life is either boring and there's nothing to say or bad things are going on and who wants to hear bad news?
This winter has been so long I can't remember what summer is like. Does it really get warm enough outside to go out without a jacket? That just doesn't seem possible.
Last weekend I took the girls down the the cities for 3 days to get away from the flooding. It was so nice to just hang out with them and not have to worry about anything or anyone else. We didn't do half the things we talked about doing while we were there, we wanted to go to IKEA and the zoo, but there just wasn't the time or energy. They are getting so big, so fast, I try to hold their little hands as much as I possibly can while they will still let me. At what age do you lose the urge to pull them on your lap and hug them? I can't imagine not wanting to but I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't have those urges!

I've got orange pants, I wear them when I dance but I don't get out that much...

2008-06-18T10:41:00.004-05:00

Last month Barenaked Ladies (my favorite band of the last 13 years) put out a kids cd called Snacktime. The girls love it, especially Sylvia. It's so cool to have your kids demanding your favorite band from the back seat. Speaking of the back seat, I'm a bit of a car seat nut. I plan to keep my kids harnessed as long as I possibly can. And why not? Have you seen what can happen in accidents if you get thrown out of the car? No we'll probably never ever have a serious accident. But if we ever did I don't want to feel like I could have done more to protect them. Their father switched Sylvia to a backless booster last month. I have no idea why. I bought and installed a nice car seat in his car for her. I think he did it just to make me mad. *sigh*

I love my new job. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks and I hate not knowing what I'm doing, but I love it. I missed working in a hospital so much. The people I work with are great and so far I'm smarter than I thought I was. (I was a little worried after being away from hospital pharmacy for 9 months) The hours are so nice too. I pick up the girls at 4 PM and we have all this time before dinner we never had before! I found them a new daycare, they start July 7th and I am so happy about it.

Oh, yeah, and I got tagged.
So here's the rules as to what I had to do and if you are one of my lucky 7 below then you need to also do the following:

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog .

I was tagged by Angela
Here's my lovely facts:
1. I really like to do laundry. I don't know why.
2. I'm very, very nosey but like to try to disguise it as simple curiosity.
3. I am fascinated with hearing about other people's romantic relationships - maybe because I've had such bad luck. I love to hear about them , read about them, talk about them...
4. The only man I find physically attractive is my boyfriend. Seriously.
5. I have really strong but unpopular ideas about parenting. I mostly keep them to myself because I hate it when people try to force their ideas on me. And I don't like listening to people's excuses as to why they can't do the right thing. I'm amazed that people have no problem spending $2000+ on a TV, but $150 is too much for a carseat their kid will use every single day for 6-8 years.
6. I'm not very close to my family, and most of the time it doesn't bother me but I really want to have a close family with my kids and grandchildren.
7. I dropped out of college at 18 and didn't go back until I was 25 because I was raped but most people assume it was because I was lazy.

I would tag 7 people if I could but I think this has made the rounds of everyone I know. If you didn't get tagged and are reading this and wish you had been tagged, consider yourself tagged by me...

You cut me open and I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love...

2008-05-24T17:53:00.004-05:00

Sorry it's been over a month. I don't know how the time goes so slowly and yet so fast at the same time. I'm reading a new book "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk". So far it's pretty good although now that I have kids I just don't have the time to repeat my old bad patterns. Don't have the time and just don't have the emotional energy either.
Things are about the same here. I start a new job June 2nd and I'm really excited about that.
I don't understand men. What else is new?

Take my hand and we'll make it I swear...

2008-04-20T17:13:00.002-05:00

Last night was the Bon Jovi concert and it was great! I am getting over strep throat so I couldn't enjoy it as much as I would have if I'd been perfectly healthy, but I still had a great time. I don't get to go to concerts very often so I always find them so surreal. I kept wanting to turn to Seth and say "Look! It's fucking Bon Jovi right there!!" But I know he would just think I was weird and "small town" so I kept that to myself. The dome was full, the show sold out a long time ago, and to hear that many people singing at the same time is so cool. There was a women sitting next to us who was really friendly, she even offered to buy us beer when she was going off to the bathroom. (We were way up, about 10 rows down from the top, right in the middle of a row.)When I bought the tickets months ago I wasn't sure who I would be bringing with me to the concert. I told Seth he could have the other ticket if we were still together at concert time but I didn't really think we would be. Here we are almost 6 months later with the concert behind us! In fact in just nine days it will be exactly six months ago that we met in person at The Winery. So much has happened in those 6 months!
In just a few days we're going back to the dome with the girls to see "Annie". I'm a little nervous about taking Susannah, she loves the movie but I don't know how she'll do at a musical. Hopefully I don't have to spend the whole time with her out in the hallway...
Last weekend we all went down to the cities for a little vacation. Seth had a monitor he wanted to return to Costco and I wanted to do some shopping. The girls wanted to go back to the rides at the Mall of America. Unfortunately it turned out to be a horrible weekend and by the time we got home I was pretty sure our relationship was over, or would be soon. It's so hard traveling with Seth and the girls because I have to do everything for them so it's not really relaxing at all for me and Seth is still adjusting to being around little kids, especially all day and night. It didn't help that my strep throat came on the end of the second day, and Susannah was sick and coughing most of the time too. We've since talked over some stuff and will talk over some more stuff in the near future and I think things will be good again.
I'm starting to see my pattern in relationships - before when times like this would come up I would just wait a few days and let the conflict pass instead of confronting it and seeing if the relationship would end. It's hard to talk about this stuff, especially if you don't hear what you want to hear. But this time I'm determined not to settle for a relationship that doesn't meet my needs no matter how much I think I love the guy so I'm making the two of us discuss these things until we can see each other's side and come to an agreement. It feels good to be secure enough to be able to let this go if it's not going to be good for me, well, us I mean, I have to think about what's best for the girls too this time around. It so important that they get what they need too.

You can bring me down now I’m wrapped around your whole hand stop looking so surprised...

2008-04-12T23:18:00.004-05:00

I could probably tell you a little more about our trip to Florida. I was planning to take the girls down there to see my mom in February and then Seth found out he would be going to Orlando for work in March so I changed my trip to overlap with his a little. I went to my mom's first for a night and then left the girls with her and drove her car up to Orlando to meet him. We stayed in Orlando for two nights and then drove back to my mom's. The trip didn't quite live up to our expectations. I think we had different ideas of what it was going to be like and also Seth wasn't feeling well and so instead of a romantic getaway it was a lot of silence, misunderstandings, and a little bit of crying on my part. We worked things out though, and once we got to my mom's the rest of the vacation was pretty good. My mom really liked him. The girls had a great time. It was so odd being on this family type vacation with a boyfriend. Now I realize what a big step it was to take and maybe we should have waited a little longer to take it. I knew the girls liked Seth but now I realize they are getting attached to him and would probably miss him a lot if he was gone, especially Susannah. There are things like this that I would only like to have to do once and so maybe this kind of trip should have waited a little longer until we were sure it would be that way. The idea that I might have to someday bring some other guy down there to meet my mom like that is so depressing... Of course I am getting way ahead of myself again. When the present is so uncertain I tend to think about the future too much. I have been trying to just live in the present and not worry about what the future will bring but it's really hard for me. I like to know everything. I like to analyze everything to death. Actually there are a couple of things that have happened lately or been said that would have driven me crazy before that I'm not even dwelling on the least bit and I'm so proud of myself. I think a big reason for that is that with 2 kids I have a lot less time to just sit around and think like I used to... and of course I have them to consume the majority of my thoughts and worrying also...

I know who I want to take me home...

2008-04-03T19:50:00.002-05:00

I just want to clarify something from the previous post. The part about losing my best friend in the divorce. Obviously I'm not talking about my ex-husband, although there was a time when I considered him my best friend. Scary... I'm not the least bit sad about losing him, I was referring to someone else and I realized "best" probably isn't the right word, especially considering the circumstances under which I lost him. "Favorite" is probably a better word. He was my favorite friend. I seem to have a knack for attracting people who treat me like crap. Why is that?
I've started over in the friend department before, that doesn't scare me. And maybe now I'll have better luck. I really need to find some women more like me. Women who are mothers, and love being mothers, but understand that it's important to still want a life of their own. Women who are willing to get a babysitter every once and awhile (or leave the kids with their father) and get out and do something fun. I have no idea where to find these women in real life. I've found several online and they have been lifesavers in the bad times but we can't exactly meet up for drinks on Saturday nights...

And Lord I'm sick and Lord I'm tired of love...

2008-04-02T00:21:00.003-05:00

Had a real bad patch there, sorry... I didn't realize how much I had checked out until I started to try to catch up. I got a lot done the last few days, there's lots more to do but at least I seem to have the mental energy to start doing it. So many things went wrong all at once. I think I mentioned that I'm having trouble at my job too. It's almost 1 AM and I have to work tomorrow so I should really get in bed but there's a few things I want to get out...
I feel like I'm back to feeling joy and relief at my freedom, my second chance, instead of shock, frustration and despair at what he gets away with and the horrible things he does. Dwelling on it gets me nowhere. It's not like if I protest for 3 more months my sister will finally come around and be on my side again. (Again?!? What I probably mean is 'for the first time in my life'!) I can't cry 832 more tears and get my best friend back. I just need to let go and move on let go and move on let go and move on... and most days I do, it just catches up to me every once and awhile. My immune system seems to be taking a little siesta during this time of stress so I've been sick a lot more often lately. My ulcer has come back and it hurts like one bad SOB some days. My ex husband has stopped paying his half of the house payment. So there goes my excellent credit. I probably won't be able to buy another house for 10 years now. But at least I'm not in contempt of court! I hope they put him in jail... What is he thinking? Oh I also found out that he is refusing to sign the form to release his Roth IRA to me. Another court order he is not obeying! I wonder if his lawyer tries to explain things to him and he just doesn't get it or if his lawyer is so bad that he doesn't explain things to him at all. I'm pretty sure it's the former. He also thinks he can take me back to court to change our physical placement order to 50/50 so that he can get child support even though it's set the way it is because we had a guardian ad litem for the girls. Even though it was just ordered that way in December. Even though I work 30 hours a week and he works closer to 50. He is totally obsessed with getting child support, and he makes sure to remind me every time we "talk". Right now all I have to do is say the word to my lawyer and he will have to pay me. His obsession makes me want to do that just to hit him where it hurts. Just to show him how wrong his ideas are. In the meantime he admits that the most recent schedule that he made (I let him make all the schedules and I always have, it's so much easier than trying to 'negotiate' with him) is not working for the girls yet he won't change it. Nice, what a great father. Shared physical placement is for people who can get along at least a little bit. For people who can negotiate, compromise, work together to find the best solution for the kids. I finally first realized that he had never compromised with me on what he wanted when we were talking about dividing up the furniture when he moved out. He was completely shocked when I told him the dining room set we bought wasn't what I would've bought on my own but the one we could 'agree' on. He couldn't believe that I would settle for something that wasn't exactly what I wanted, because he never would. That really opened my eyes to our relationship and it's reality versus my perception of it. Now our final divorce order is not exactly what he wanted so he thinks he should be able to change it. Even though he sat in court and said he agreed to it just a few short months ago. I'm sure he did it on the advice of his lawyer. Good advice in this case, but he doesn't seem to think it meant anything. For him it wasn't over on December 17th because he didn't get his way, and damn it he always gets his way. I can't believe I married such a bully. I can't believe he won't just leave me alone and go on with his life. I can't believe he is so obsessed with the money I could make that he doesn't seem to give a damn that I'm the mother of his children. I am really kicking myself for agreeing to such a vague placement order. I wish it was lined out down to the minute. It would be inconvenient but at least I wouldn't have him trying to use the girls to control me and hurt me more. You wouldn't believe what happened last week. It almost involved a call to the authorities.
Oh yeah, so back to the 'love' part. Well, maybe not. I don't know what to say. I am in love but I wonder if I will ever be able to really trust someone again. I'm pretty good at faking it but that's not very fair, is it? The stupid hormones don't help. Seriously, I think I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life if not for them. Why is it that my biological clock started ticking at 22 while my sister is 32 and still doesn't care if she ever has kids?
Lately I've been really jealous of families. I know not everyone is as happy as they pretend to be, but still, why did it have to be such an unachievable goal for me? Last week I happened to notice this man was wearing a wedding ring and it brought tears to my eyes. I walk into Sylvia's school and see the Christmas card family pictures of the other students and get a little depressed. I think one of the most frustrating things is that I feel like I don't deserve this. I was a good wife. I always treated him with love and respect. I never, ever would have betrayed him in any way. It's funny that he was the jealous one and so controlling when I never would have done anything wrong. Other couples have the bickering, they treat each other worse than strangers at Wal-mart but I always tried so hard to not be like that. Now I know I should have stood up for myself at lot more but don't I get any credit for how hard I worked, how hard I tried? Any good karma at all for all the crap and emotional abuse I put up with? See this is the whining I need to avoid because it does no good to anyone. And now that I got this all out I will be better. But all this does make me question my new relationship. How do I not get taken advantage of without turning our relationship into some kind of competition? Because I hate that type of relationship, there shouldn't be a score card when it comes to love. We seem to be at opposite ends of the generosity spectrum. We were raised very differently in that department and the difference in our attitudes bothers me sometimes.
Hmmm, this is probably more than enough for now... Once again, I will try to be better about blogging, I think it would be good for me, but no guarantees!

Too tired...

2008-03-08T22:17:00.003-06:00

Only a few more days until we leave for Florida! We are all so excited! Seth will get to meet my mom and my mom will get to meet Seth. This makes me a little nervous but I think things will go well...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me...

2008-03-03T21:29:00.003-06:00

Being a single parent is really hard, in case you were wondering. Today I was puked on twice, and that was only part of the fun. I am really stressed out and what I want more than anything right now is to not be alone. But it's not like I can go anywhere, and it's not anyone else's problem. Do I have to say that I'd still rather have this than the horror that was married life? You know that right?

You brought me through, you made me feel so blue...

2008-02-28T22:37:00.002-06:00

My favorite song by the Jayhawks, my favorite color, the color of my car and the sky on sunny days... Also the color of the marker Sylvia found during "rest time" one day last week...

And no, she doesn't know what a smurf is....

The tide is high but I'm holding on...

2008-02-28T21:53:00.002-06:00

B and I sang that song karaoke once....
I'm trying to decide if I have enough money to move out of my step-dad's house. I am tired of feeling so unsettled, so temporary, waiting... It seems like that stupid house just might not ever sell and I can't keep waiting to get on with my life. Now that it's finally warming up and the end of winter is in sight, moving seems like an option again. Just not so much a financial option.
I have two lawyers now, in two different states. Who ever expects to get to this place? I got some good news though, so I guess it is worth it. Also I feel so much safer with someone on my side, even if I'm paying them to be there. There really should be only one side here, the side of the girls, so why is there still all this stupid fighting? I've been feeling really stressed lately and just yesterday I finally realized why: all the drama was supposed to be over when the divorce was final, in December. I was so hung up on that idea and it didn't happen and I got really frustrated. But now I have come to my senses and I am back to my usual zen state. I can only control myself and my actions and I want to do what's best for my daughters. ohmmmm...
I'm having problems in my new job too, so I'm looking around again.
I don't really like the new daycare the girls are in but it's so hard to find good daycare. It seems like all they do when they aren't with me is watch tv, at their dad's house and at daycare and it's driving me crazy. I'd like to get them back into a center, like they were in in WI but they're aren't any near enough to consider.... I NEED a new job!
Only 13 days until we leave for florida....

I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby, When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

2008-01-05T22:50:00.000-06:00

Blog? What blog? I can't believe it's been almost a whole month. Sorry, I've been so freaking busy with the divorce, holidays, new job, kids, etc. and then I was sick too... but my goal for today is to finish a post. I have about 10 different ones that I've started over the last month but I just can't let them go until I think they are good enough and it takes so much time to get to that point, time I just haven't had... I still haven't mailed out all my Christmas presents (sorry Mom!), hopefully I'll get that done on Monday. And I really need to write up some thank-yous for all the presents the girls received and change my name in a hundred different places and clean up the house... Another problem is all the horrible things I want to say, this was so much easier when no one read this, now there are things I want to say but don't dare to anymore. Tonight however I'm just going to suck it up and lay it all out here. Well, as much as we have time for anyway...

*warning: major, probably totally irrational, completely emotional venting ahead*

So can anyone tell me how I'm supposed to know what a healthy relationship is if I've never, ever seen one? Has anyone ever seen one? I am just a big mess tonight so this probably isn't such a good idea. I never know if I'm being too paranoid or maybe just too tolerant. I don't know what to think about the things I'm thinking. I'm sad, that I know. Like I mentioned, I was sick again recently and this reminds me of when I was sick last time and how things have changed but yet things are still so much the same. Like the last time it made me oh so aware of being alone. And I don't think that should be OK. What do you think? What I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that what I really wanted out of dating was someone I could call and lean on when I had a bad day and I had a bad day and I was still alone and I'm wondering if the reason is because the relationship is bad, if I'm expecting too much too soon or if I'm just too afraid to ask for what I need? Or am I just making too much out of one bad day? Or am I, like pretty much every single time before, not making enough out of a bad day? Ah, like I said, a big mess...

Now for some good news...
I'm finally divorced!! Yay!!! and back to my maiden name. It didn't quite go the way I wanted it to; after stressing to the GAL several times that xh sees custody as more of his privilege than his responsibility, our custody agreement is still pretty vague. I'm sure this will continue to cause me problems and stress but I am so tired of dealing with it I just wanted it to be over. There was no way in hell I was going to wait any longer to get that damn marriage over with. He did provide us with a recommendation that hopefully xh will follow since we paid over six hundred dollars for it, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

More not so good news... I got an email yesterday from xh that he can't pay his half of the house payment anymore. "I can't pay if I don't have the money" he says. Funny. This makes me so angry because you see it is all his fault that we are in this mess in the first place. I certainly never would have bought a house with the guy if I had known he was cheating on me. And he knew he was cheating on me when we bought that house. And he knew I would leave him if he cheated on me. And he knew there was no way in hell he could afford that house on his salary. And yet he still led me to believe that it was a grand idea to buy a big house in Sheboygan. Therefore it seems fair to me that he should be the one completely responsible for the expenses of the stupid house that will not sell. Yet for some reason he doesn't think the house should be his problem. Also I never would have left Sheboygan until the house sold if it hadn't been so hard on the girls to be without their father. How much of this story do you already know? I've only been complaining about it forever. I told him that from the beginning, that I wasn't going to move back to ND until the house sold and the divorce was final. I did not want to be 550 miles away from a house I was trying to sell and there was no way I could afford to pay the house payment and pay for another place to live in ND. I told him all this over and over and over again every time he called and tried to bully me into moving all through February, March, April and May. Then he moved anyway and only saw the girls every two weeks and it was so hard on them , especially Sylvia. Lucky for me my step-dad bought a house in Fargo big enough for all of us just in time for us to move in with him. And I found a job in Fargo. It seemed like everything was falling in place and I really thought the house would sell just in time too. Nope. Now, it seems like I might be stuck with a house in Wisconsin for the rest of my life. I must have been a serial killer in a former life, no way do I deserve this crap for the things I've done in this one...

Oh, you really missed my whining, didn't you? ;) At least I feel better... well, a little better...

These lines of lightning mean we're never alone, never alone, no, no

2007-12-12T11:19:00.003-06:00

So what totally meaningless happenings shall I ramble on about today? I'm sorry that I'm so sporadic about posting, and maybe I'm just humoring myself that anyone really cares.
The divorce should finally be final next monday. I am going out to Sheboygan for it and Seth is coming with me. It's a little strange but wonderful that he will get the opportunity to meet my friends out there, see where I used to work and live... I wonder how long it will be until I get the opportunity to see where he came from...

And Baby you know my hands are dirty, but I wanted to be your valentine...

2007-12-08T13:30:00.000-06:00

Usually I don't have the radio on in my car. I'm so used to having the girls with me in the car and playing their CDs that I usually forget to change to adult music when I'm by myself (I'm sure I'm not the only mom that does this!). We listen to Kidz Bop a lot and the soundtrack to "Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper". But one night earlier this week when I got off work and went out to my car to drive home the radio was on when I started the car and Bon Jovi's "I'll be there for you" was just starting. I love this song (who doesn't?). It always reminds me of high school and my friend Sarah. And it's lots of fun to sing along with at the top of your lungs while cruising through the streets of Fargo. Imagine my surprise when just 2 days later I saw the sign on the Fargodome saying there's a Bon Jovi concert in April! Tickets went on sale this morning, did you get yours?
Something really nice happened to me yesterday. I have a lot of friends that I've never met IRL (or maybe once, at 'that big house' as Sylvia calls it!) . And you probably know this because the chances that you are one are pretty high. We came home from somewhere and there was a package for me on the front steps. It was from a woman I've never met in real life, only online. And actually I don't think I've ever talked with her directly online either. A woman I don't even know sent me a gift. Susannah had her son for the birthday exchange. She chose not to participate in the holiday gift exchange but to instead send me a gift, for no reason except she wanted to. With a really nice note inside. Really nice, it made me cry. If I wasn't at work I'd quote it here but it basically said she knew I had a tough year (the divorce and all you know) and she thinks of me and the girls every night when they play with the gift we sent her son! (her son's name happens to be Seth, isn't that odd?) And they pray for us! Life is so funny. I've probably said this before but you have these people you think are supposed to support you and they don't and then from out of nowhere (or California) someone you don't even really know totally makes your day, or probably month, maybe even year, in this case. You never know who's thinking about you and your little corner of the world at any given time. So I'm working on a plan to pay this forward...

I think you ought to know that I intend to hold you for the longest time...

2007-12-05T13:16:00.002-06:00

How can you tell a mom of young children? She treats every trip to Target or the grocery store as if it were an artic expedition. She reaches into her purse for a pen and pulls out a crayon. She's ready for dinner at 5:30 and bed by 10 PM. She could vacuum out her car every day and there would still be a few stray goldfish here and there...

Oh just wait until these two worlds of mine collide!

Only 12 more days until the trial. Until STBX finally becomes xh. Finally.

I dont care what consequence it brings, I have been a fool for lesser things...

2007-11-28T23:26:00.001-06:00

So far, so good. It's going well. He says he likes me too. :) It's stressful, it's outside my comfort zone and I freak out a little bit about every 2.4 days. So far he hasn't minded. Good.

My heart will be fine, just stop wasting my time...

2007-11-23T23:10:00.000-06:00

Some comments! Yay! Thanks Jacinda! (read her blog too, she's really cool!) Hope you're having fun out in WI with no kids!

Well, apparently I am an evil person. Oh, didn't you know? You should see the email I got today, wow! If I wasn't so embarrassed I would put it in here word for word because it's good, crazy stuff! The guy I met for the first time ever last Tuesday I have apparently been stringing along! Because I told him I had a fun time, but didn't want to see him again. He actually called me a "fly by night"(?) among other things! Umm, Troy I think I figured out the reason you're still single!! You're really mean! I had such an urge to email him back and say something smart and nasty but I'm pretty sure it would have gone right over his head. *Sigh* So I'm just going to let it go. Men get really mad when they want to see you again and you don't want to see them! This is actually the third time this has happened! I'm starting a collection of crazy mean emails from people I have only met once or twice or in one case not at all. Maybe there is something wrong with me, or at least my delivery... Or maybe it's just these crazy men I've met on Match! I am seriously laughing at this, who gets this worked up over an almost complete stranger? Wow, dating sucks...
I read this today from another divorced mom that just started online dating: "I cut it down to just this one guy because every time I was out with someone else, I would think about how I wanted to be with him. We're not in a relationship though. I just felt like I was leading the other guys on by going out with them on several dates when I didn't like them as much as they liked me. I thought I would scare this guy off when I told him I wasn't dating other people and why..." This is exactly how I feel and what I've been doing. It's just so much easier. (once you get over the nasty rejection emails!) Time is such a big issue. There's only so much time I have to spend with other people besides my kids and while I certainly don't have a whole lot of friends, there are a few people I want to hang out with every now and then... So stop telling me to keep my options open. I'm happy and this is what I have the time and mental and emotional energy for. And if this particular one doesn't work out I know where to go back and find more crazy people to call me names if I so desire...

Oh here is the 3 of us yesterday, Thanksgiving, at my aunt and uncle's house in Monticello...

Oh you set up your place in my thoughts, moved in and made my thinking crowded...

2007-11-20T21:16:00.000-06:00

Sorry it's been so long... I've been busy and my head has been full of things I can't talk about. Not here anyway. I'd be glad to share over a cup of coffee sometime or a few beers. Beer would probably be better, I'd tell you more, although I do talk a lot when I've had too much caffeine... I've got bachelor #3 on the brain. So much so that it's hard to think about anything else. And you'd better read that part quick because I don't know how long I'll leave it out here. I'm trying very hard not to panic, some days are harder than others.

Infatuation is a little like being drunk. It lowers your inhibitions - you say and do things you regret, talk on and on about things (like a particular person and how wonderful you think they are) no one else wants to hear about (well, that much anyway), you never really know for sure what's happening, you sometimes wake up the morning thinking oh my god what did I do? and why did I say that? Oh, it's embarrassing, or at least really uncomfortable. I hate it. Ok, I don't hate it. Well, sometimes I hate it. That's enough about that. Just for now though, hopefully...

Last week we went to the grocery store. I hate going to grocery store even by myself. I can't stand all the people getting in my way, walking so slowly, going the wrong way down the aisles, always standing right in front of the one thing I need... I usually am very angry and hating the world and most especially all the people in it by the time I finally get out of the store. And that's when I don't take the kids with me! I don't know if you know what it's like to take 2 small children to the grocery store but it can be quite a gamble. Sometimes they are wonderful, some times they are horrible. On this trip they were the former. We were in some aisle when a catchy song came on over the PA. I started dancing a little bit, right there in the grocery store, because that's one of the little things I do to not end up hating everyone else in the grocery store. Anyway, out of the corner of my eye I see Sylvia shaking it a little too. Not because she saw me, she was facing the other direction but because that particular song moved her too. People always tell me she looks so much like me, but it's so much more than that. Being her mom is such a wonderful feeling. It's like I finally found someone who understands me after all these years, and the reason she understands me is because half her DNA came from me. It's love that you never knew existed. I have trouble understanding how anyone could not want this. Yeah, they are a lot of work. You can't sleep in, you can't go out whenever you want, there are negatives too numerous to list here, but oh! they are so worth it! It's so hard to explain without sounding dramatic or conceited. I think other people with kids will understand. She's a whole complete amazing person. And she loves Thai food so much that she's willing to throw a tantrum over it. And when she grows up she wants to be a mom and a pharmacist. And when she hasn't seen me for 4 days she actually gets ill. I know her adoration of me and dependence on me won't last. I have friends with teenagers and I've heard there will be hard times ahead. Until then, I'm going to try to store up as many of these types of moments as I can to coast me through until the time we can be great friends again. Like I am with my mom. Whom I see so much of myself in...

The next time I fall I'm gonna have to recall that it isn't love it's only something new...

2007-11-11T16:20:00.000-06:00

Crap! People really read this! I don't think I wanted to know that, but maybe it's a good thing that I do... I'm feeling much better! Sorry for that, it was really just one really bad day, by the next day I was back to my normal mostly happy if a little jaded self!
We've had a great weekend. The girls and I have so much fun together. Even just shopping at Wal-mart we have a great time. The weather has been wonderful for November in ND. We stopped at a park yesterday on our way home and just ran around for awhile. Today we're going to go out for a bike ride.
I learned of another small downside to single parenting the other night: only one person in the bed. Susannah woke up crying in the middle of the night. She never, ever does this and she wrapped her little arms around my neck and said "I want to snuggle with you Mommy", and who can resist that? And I was sooo tired, so I brought her into my bed. She still sleeps in a crib so she's not used to keeping herself on the bed. I put a pillow on the other side of her but sure enough she ended up rolling right over the pillow and off the bed not once but twice that night, not a fun way to wake up at four in the morning... That was a rough night, and I was reminded to be ever so grateful that my kids are usually such great sleepers.
Does anyone else do this? It's like I have to be infatuated with someone at all times. How do you know what's real and what's convenient? In the past I have controlled it by putting it in safe, if inappropriate, places. There was a period of time, a long time ago, when I had a crush on one of my friends that I knew would never reciprocate. It worked very well, kept me out of trouble for several months. I think it made him pretty nervous but that was part of the fun. I'm not having any problems right now but I'm a little afraid of what will happen in the future. A little afraid, not a lot.
I'm trying to be really conscious of how much I try to manipulate situations. I think I used to do this, or try to do this a lot and I think it was necessary in my marriage to get through the days and weeks and months and years. Now I think it is not good for me and so I'm really trying to sit back and just let things happen. It's been suprisingly easy and has been working really well. It's amazing how much less stressful life is with this attitude.
Is life really full of irony or do we make it that way? How much of this drama is created by me? Looks like it's going to be an interesting week. I've got more to say (always) but there's a 2 year old demanding a snack hanging off my arm...
Oh and Mark? I didn't frost those cupcakes, Hornbacher's did, and you're right they did a damn fine job...

See, I know I'm lost and lonely, Please go slow; I'm one and only...

2007-11-06T19:30:00.000-06:00

What goes up must come down, I guess. This cold is just getting worse and worse and today I was at the end of my rope. Why is it that when you really, really need your kids to be good they have to be at their worst? Or maybe it just seemed that way because I was just too sick to handle anything this morning. I guess you could say my half glass spilled, Ed. I must of accidentally knocked it over when I was coughing. At least now I have a few days off of parenting so I can't do any damage with my inability to cope with illness and offspring at the same time.
A few months ago I was talking to my ex-brother-in-law, who is kind of in the same boat as me, as far as the single parenting goes. He said he wanted the perfect woman for him to just magically appear on his doorstep with a bow. Not the perfect woman, but the perfect woman for him. He did not want to do any dating. At the time I thought he was crazy, I was excited about meeting new people and doing new things. Now I see his point. He was a little further into the game than I was. That's how I'm feeling now, well, today anyway. I'd really like that guy to show up on my doorstep right now and it would be excellent if he were holding some cold medicine, a good movie and maybe a cup of tea. Mostly because I'm feeling so sick and run down and worn out, I just want someone to lean against that will tell me everything is going to be all right, tomorrow will be better, you'll see. Well, not just anyone. Someone who loves me and you see, that person just doesn't exist. But I could really use him right now.
I'm so tired of defending myself, explaining myself, trying to make myself heard, trying to tell my side of the story. I'm tired of not having anyone on my side, not having anyone believe me and having to do everything myself. I'm tired of being judged by people who have no idea what has happened, what the past 5 years have been like. And mostly, I'm just very tired. And did I mention sick?
Don't listen to me today, I'm not feeling well, I've been taking lots of cold medicine, and I think I have a fever...
Definitely not my usual self.

But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need...

2007-11-05T17:28:00.000-06:00

Today Susannah woke up early from her nap. She was pretty cranky and nothing seemed to make her happy. Eventually I just picked her up and held her tight and rocked her right where I was standing. We kept this up for probably 15 minutes until I had a coughing fit (I've still got this cold) and she was ready to get down and go back to her toys. As we were standing there, her little arms wrapped tight around me, her pointy little chin on my shoulder, her little heart beating against mine, I just thought about how lucky I am to have this, to have them. Two amazing children to give me love. An awesome reminder that I do have a lot of love in my life, and I should slow down and appreciate it more. They make me so happy. Sometimes I feel like my heart might just explode because I love them so much. How could I ever really be lonely when two little people depend on me and love me as much as they do? I'm very lucky.

It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe...

2007-11-04T11:20:00.000-06:00

I have been feeling really happy lately. Not that this is all that unusual for me, I'm generally a pretty positive person, but life used to be pretty stressful, even just a month ago and now it just doesn't feel that way as much. I think I have found that balance I was talking about. Or at least something close to it...
Unfortunately it means I don't really have anything interesting to say! I have no complaints on this fine morning. Well, except for one about this nasty cough that I will probably have for a few more days...
Leah is in town this weekend so we went out last night. It was fun even though I felt awful! We walked through the karaoke bar I've been dying to visit, but it was packed so we didn't stay. A friend of hers from high school joined us that I haven't seen in a few years. He is also recently divorced and my twisted soul was happy to find someone else with a recently failed marriage. Misery loves company, I guess? Not that I'm miserable anymore! But it is nice to find someone you know won't judge you.
Have I mentioned how much I love Facebook? It just kills me that it's restricted at work! I just found my friend Sabine on there last night. I haven't talked to her for many years, I think the last time I saw her I was 23? 10 years! I can see from my email that she's left me a message but I can't read it until I get home this afternoon.
Happy Birthday to Seth!! Although he said he wasn't going to read this...

The beat goes on...

2007-11-02T16:58:00.000-05:00

Here is an email I got today on Match:
"beautiful!
am I talking about your face or your words?"
Are you puking yet? OK, maybe it's mean of me to make fun of this guy but come on! And how am I supposed to respond to that? Uhh, neither? You must have me confused with someone else...
The problem with me and online dating is I find something wrong with just about everybody! I think it's good to be picky though. My free time is precious! You really have to steel yourself for all the rejection involved, both getting it and handing it out. It's gets easier, or at least it has for me...
What is the difference between these guys and the guys I see out in public? I've been to bars and guys do not talk to me or even smile or look (or wink) at me. Do they just send out mass emails to every woman on there? Probably. I analyze things way too much. But at least I realize I have a problem.... and I'm keeping it in check. Really, you should be proud of me.

She's got (2) daughter(s) and you're just not coping...

2007-10-31T19:25:00.000-05:00

Ahh, dating with children, a whole different ballgame. A game I did not expect to ever have to play. Well, that's not entirely true, I remember a moment when Sylvia was a baby back in our house in Fargo where it suddenly dawned on me that my marriage was not going to last. I was standing in the dining room and STBX was in the kitchen. I don't think we were fighting or anything. I think I just realized that I was the only one who cared about it and I just couldn't save it all by myself. No matter what Dr. Phil says. Because if you don't believe a single other word I say you have to believe that I tried. Hard. That's another big reason I'm so defensive about the divorce and everything, because people just don't realize how hard I tried to make it work. But I still never thought about what would happen after. Actually being single again with two small children. I've been working on adjusting to that for the last 14 months.

I'm struggling to find a balance between me with kids and me without kids. At all other times in my life it's been pretty much one or the other. Now I need to find some happy medium that will be healthy for all of us. Easier said than done. While having children has certainly changed my life and probably made me a more mature and responsible person, I don't really feel any different on the inside. I am still just me, the same me that was dating without kids 7 years ago and now feels that things shouldn't be any different. It would probably be easier if I dated some guy that had his own kids but with the exception of Bachelor #1 that just hasn't happened yet. I worry about guys with kids just looking for some woman to step in and take care of their kids for them. This is kind of what I expected STBX to do, although he hasn't yet as far as I know. I didn't want to date anyone with children when I was single before, but that was because I wanted to have my own children and share those 'firsts' with someone. It's funny to think about that now because what actually happened was so different from my expectations. There was not much sharing involved, I did pretty much everything all by myself. So maybe I can still hope to have that one day. I regret being so narrow minded.
Being a single parent is hard. And lonely. There's a reason it takes two people to make a baby. It's a lot of work and while they are great company, it was nice to have someone to talk to about them and other things at the end of the day. I don't know how people do it when the other parent is not involved at all, hopefully they have a good support system around them because you definitely need it.
I'm sure there are even bigger problems ahead. Like when I actually find someone serious and it comes to the time to introduce him to my children. (which I wouldn't do until several months had passed in case you were wondering) That should be pretty interesting. About a month ago Sylvia was telling me she wanted another brother or sister and I told her if that happened it would be because Mommy or Daddy would be with someone else. I thought it was innocent enough at the time, I certainly didn't go into any details, but she started crying. So I think when it actually does happen she will be upset about it, at least at first. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...